The 5 Coolest Jobs That Don't Exist Anymore

Work sucks. You know, I know it, it's practically a fact of life that if you want to make money, you must endure hours of boredom and pain. But for all their impracticality, implausibility, and possibly completely fictitious nature, there were some ass-kicking jobs out there at one point that you and I wouldn't mind having. This is a reflection on some of the best careers that have been cast aside by the annuls of time; where they came from, what they meant to us, and what happened to them.

5. Badass Hero-Scientist (1950's)

Who?: Just go to the science fiction section of your local video store, pick out anything with "Attack of...", "The Giant...", or "Invasion of..." in the title, and watch it. He's the one kicking all the ass and getting all the ladies.

Replaced by: Either the sniveling, cowardly, evil, "sell everyone up the river for fame and recognition" scientist, or the sniveling, annoying "you can't destroy it, it's just misunderstood!" peace-loving hippie scientist.

Exception That Proves the Rule: Billy Cranston, the Blue Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger.

The Case For: Back in a time when men were men, women were still dames and broads, smoking was considered good for you, and commies were everywhere, there existed a class of man manlier than most, who dedicated themselves to making sure we stayed one step ahead of the red menace no matter what. Often times this meant creating hideous monstrosities, accidentally summoning aliens to invade us, or getting sent back in time to the age of the dinosaurs. While scientists today still play god just as much, often to similar results, scientists of the 50's weren't afraid to throw-down with whatever science-hath-wrought in the blink of an eye. Screw all that touchy feely "but it's still a living thing!" bullshit and "butterfly effect" nonsense; if a scientist back then created a hideous giant mutant spider, the second it got out of line he was the first one making it eat wooden chair, if he suddenly found himself in the prehistoric age, the only thing he's caring about is that the right hook he just gave that Stegosaurus taught it to think twice before messing with America. These guys did not fuck around. They smoked on the job, they drank on the job, and they were not one bit afraid to roll up their sleeves and go WWE on your mutant-hellbeast ass the second you spewed your "Ragh! I'm a monster!" un-American sass.

So Why Don't They Exist Anymore?: As science became more and more advanced, it also became more and more time consuming and more and more soul destroying to learn. As a result any man, no matter how rough and rugged, square jawed, and charismatic, is reduced to a frail, wimpy, overweight/underweight pasty recluse by the time they receive their PHD. This is an oversight that will eventually cost us when, in the coming invasion, we look to our scientists for guidance, and the best among are only able to say "Maybe they just want to be friends" instead of "Let's see how the little green man likes my red, white, and blue boot up his ass."

4. Ninja Consultant (The way of the ninja is timeless)

Who?: Sixshot (...and he was a robot, too!)

Replaced by: Financial Consultant, and other breeds of the genus Consulti.

The Case For: Say you've got a problem. You exhausted all your normal resources, thought of every foreseeable solution, and asked every person you know for sage advice and still, your problem just can't be fixed. What you need is a refreshing spin on things.

... a refreshing ninja spin.

That's where the ninja consultant comes in. For a nominal fee, he'll impart to you the answers to any and all of life's problems as only the orient's top masters of assassinry can provide. I mean, they're so dark and mysterious, they must have a new and totally different viewpoint on pretty much everything, right?

So Why Don't They Exist Anymore?: ... then again, unless you're problems involve "storming the daimyo's castle", a ninja probably isn't much help. I could be wrong, but I don't think that questions like "How do I save on car insurance?" or "How do I reduce stress at the workplace while maximizing my output?" can adequately be solved by poisoning your enemy's drinking water or lobbing a poison-tipped kunai at their face. The ninja's insistence on poison as an answer brings me to my next point: If you're hiring a ninja for anything, why not hire him for what you know he's good at like, oh, I don't know.. Killing a fuck-ton of people? It just seems like such a waste of resources to ask for stock market advice from the guy, and there's always the risk he'll poison you too, just for the hell of it. Ninjas, Always with the poison....


3. Indian Tracker (1970's-1980's)

Who?: Spirit, Billy

Replaced by: GPS Tracker

How to Identify: Look at the line-up of any given military unit in uniform. He's the one in face paint and a loincloth with a bear-skin cloak and a bow and arrow, looking like he just doesn't give a fuck.

The Case For: Back before Arnold was the ultimate killing machine, these guys were. I don't know about you, but if I'm stranded in the wilderness with the enemy on all sides, I want the bat-shit crazy guy killing everyone with only a knife, bow and arrow, and command over the entire animal kingdom on my side.

So Why Don't They Exist Anymore? There's a few reasons I can see for his one. For starters, yea, it's pretty impressive that he just killed an entire battalion of guys armed with assault rifles using just his bow, but now you have to wait for him to go pick up all the arrows. Talk about time consuming. Just use a gun already, man.

Second, in the increasingly urban landscape of the battlefield, there's a decreasing amount of animals for these guys to call on for help. Let's face it, a pigeon isn't going to give much insight into anything that isn't being scared or shitting on something. The best you could hope for is "The sewer crocodile warns of ill-portent up ahead".

But probably the most important reason is that when you're overseas at a bar loosening up and getting some ass, the last thing you want to be doing is explaining to a prospective date who the serious looking half-naked guy sitting in the corner is, and why he's talking to the bar keep's dog instead of socializing.

2. Zubaz Designers (Early 1990's)

Who?: Apparently some bodybuilder guys, who cares.

Replaced by: Unfortunately acid-wash denim and flannel, oh god, so much flannel...

The Case For: For those of you who don't know, back in the late 80's/early 90's, fashion culture took a weird turn where looking good was inversely related to being found attractive by the opposite sex. From this period, the biggest abomination was probably Zubaz, a line of annoyingly bright and gaudy pants tailored towards athletes. Zubaz were the great equalizer. No one could escape looking like an awesome dude(complete jackass) in them, regardless of wealth or social status. As a result, anyone wearing zubaz was guaranteed ass just as much as anyone else, and I can only conclude thereby that the people who designed these wonderfully bad, ass-getting contraptions were guaranteed just as much if not more ass as a result. Not to mention they were shit-easy to design. Here's an excerpt from the operational manual they gave out to new Zubaz designers that breaks down the process for you:

1. Sit at your desk with a pencil, piece of paper, and pack of neon hi-liters.

2. Draw an outline of a pair of pants on the paper, and get those hi-liters ready!

3. Do your body weight in cocaine.

4. Quickly now, take those hi-liters and color in those pants with whatever you're seeing. Don't worry about staying inside the lines either, this is fashion, think outside the box!

5. Congratulations! You've just designed the new summer line up of Zubaz! We'll have your check sent to the detox unit, see you in a week!

So in conclusion, you got to A.) Make tons of money for doing something that doesn't require any talent, while B.) Sleeping with gorgeous women, and C.) Making the entire world look stupid. Where's the downside here?

So Why Don't They Exist Anymore?: Like Jesus dying for our sins, the Zubaz had to die because we're not completely functionally retarded yet, and eventually came to our senses, ending the greatest fashion paradox in history. If I only I wasn't just 5 at the time, I'd be rolling in so much dough right now.

1.) Dino-Riders (1990's)

Who? These awesome dudes.

Replaced by: Ruff Ryders

The Case For: Ask anyone on the face of the Earth what they would rather be doing with their life, and you'll probably get a lot of varied answers. Ask them "how about riding around on the backs of dinosaurs armed to the teeth with guns and missiles?", and you will almost invariably get a "Fuck. Yes.". To my mind at least, you don't need much more to life beyond cruising through the countryside on a T-rex equipped with hellfires. Being a Dino-rider is having the greatest job. It is having your cake and eating it too, while fucking the prom queen, and scoring the winning touch down, all wrapped into several tons of bullets and scales.

So Why Don't They Exist Anymore?: Apart from the small oversight of dinosaurs being dead for millions of year there really isn't any good reason. I mean sure, they're bound to eat a few people like in that movie Jurassic Park, but on the flip-side, once they're tame, you're riding a fucking dinosaur. How cool is that shit?

But Wait, What's This?: Rumors have been circulating that a similar idea is being pitched as the concept for Jurassic Park 4. This means two things: One, people in Hollywood are completely fucking insane, and Two, we're going to get the most awesomely bad movie ever made. We're talking Snakes on a Plane turned to 11. Will it really be bad? Oh, you bet your ass. But it should at least be worth it to see Sam Neill spewing white hot raptor-death across the silver screen.

... and if this were still the early 90's, I would have just made a ton of money selling "Bullets and Scales" and "White Hot Raptor-Death" off as song ideas to Guns 'N' Roses, enough money in fact, to ensure me a life's supply of Zubaz.