... In Which we Debate the Greatest Question in the Universe

Hello all, Matt Russell here. As you might have noticed, TV Without Pictures has hit a bit of a production snag. Episode 13 you see is in an editing limbo and we haven’t gotten around to recording any since. And though it pains me to admit to a tarnish on an otherwise flawless release schedule here at TV Without Pictures, that’s not what I’m here tonight to talk about…

Some of our more astute listeners will have no doubt caught on to the infamous Star Trek/Star Wars debate that occasionally rages between our resident Star Wars fan, Adam, and our resident Star Trek fan and host of our show, Matt Record. While my intentions are merely to settle a rivalry between friends, the implication of this debate reaches well beyond our meager radio show.

Which really is the better show? This is the question that I’ve decided to weigh in on. Armed with a mix of passing interest and general apathy for both Star Wars and Star Trek, my own two mitts, wikipedia, and the knowledge that I will alternatively annoy or greatly amuse Matt or Adam, I set out on my quest.

Choosing a number of different topics, I will dissect the two series, get to the real core and meat of what both are about, than completely disregard that, and compare and contrast them on a superficial basis. In some cases I may choose to specify the series. Some may say this is unfair, as the recent Star Wars prequels are both much newer and possessed of a bigger budget than almost anything Star Trek has put out, but really, those movies sucked so fucking bad, they pretty much handicapped themselves.

Anyway, on to the first few topics!

Better Setting:
Long Time Ago vs. The Final Frontier

-”Space, the Final Frontier…”- A firmly held belief established during our own frontier times tells us that if we should ever run low on resources, it is our every right to expand outward, exterminating every proud heritage and peaceful creature of the wild that even so much as looks at us the wrong way. According to Gene Roddenberry, humans have done this so much that we can only continue to further ruining environments and destroying cultures if we band together and launch out into space. Sure, the crew of the enterprise are supposed to be “Science Explorers” on a “peaceful” mission, but Picard isn’t just packing hospitality in those blankets he sent to the Romulan capital, no sir. And Captain Kirk? There’s a reason he’s known throughout the Vulcan empire as “Space Cortes”.

-“A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far, Far Away.”- So basically, at some point in the past man knew magic, killed each other with lasers, drove hover cars, owned spaceships and had robot butlers. Fast forward a few generations and some enterprising people (Probably from Coruscant or Cloud City) invented Fox News, reality TV, and those Geico commercials about the cavemen, all meet great success. Fast forward some more generations, and our ancestors are running out of caves in the middle of thunderstorms, killing each other over the title of “Ugh Uhkk, Oogh Ark”, loosely translated as “Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers” for some fire. Well human progress has gotten us half the way back to how things used to be, unfortunately, it’s not the half with telekinesis and lasers.

… I think I’m gonna give this one to Star Trek, if only because George Lucas is basically implying “Look, you had all this awesome shit, but you HAD to screw it up, didn’t you?”. Plus, Star Trek’s idea that we are more high tech in the future than in the past seems more linear and therefore sensible to me, at least until we find an X-wing or medic droid somewhere in the fossil record.

Better Weapon
Lightsaber vs. Phaser

Fact: Kids love to kill things. Fact: Lightsabers kill things good. Fact: Every kid ever wants a lightsaber to kill things with. Admit it, you STILL want a lightsaber to kill shit with. It’s probably the coolest thing never actually invented and when you were little all you wanted was your own plastic one so you could show your friend Jeremy who the REAL Jedi master of the playground was. PROVE ME WRONG.

On the other hand, I really doubt any kids were thinking “Man, I wish I could paint my Norelco electric razor brown and pretend to temporarily disorient people with it”. Those that were, were probably also thinking “Wait, I’m nine, what the fuck am I doing with a Norelco razor?” right before they were beat with plastic extendable swords and given a swirly by the other, much cooler kids. This one goes to Star Wars.

Well, I think I’ll end it here with a tie for now. I’ll be popping in every so often with more of these, so stay tuned.

LOST > Me > Matt Record

[scene = An auditorium. Adam is holding a press conference for his loyal subjects who he feels obligated to explain why he hasn't posted a blog yet on the TV Without Pictures site.]

HEY! Fellow TV No P'ers, how is it going?

I am here today doing a much belated blog post. I am late to posting because I've been busy doing things that the other people on the TV No Pics show aren't busy doing such as:

1. Getting into the finals for an amazing, local contest that revolves around generating laughs.
2. Helping my dear friend Morris Gumroot prepare for the finals in the very same amazing, local contest that revolves around generating laughs.
3. I have been busy in our Improv 101 class at the UCB school in NYC. (NOTE: I don't really need any comedy training. I just do it to stay in touch with my people)

So that explains why I have not bloggified any time recently.

"BUT WAIT!"

"ADAM, I heard a nasty rumor that you will not be featured on the podcast that is being done tonight! Say it isn't so my leige."

First and foremost, thank you serf-folk. You serve your master well.

Secondly, yes, the rumors are true (GASP!) my outstanding voice will not be heard on tonight's TV No P, because Matthew Record doesn't feel like waiting 11 weeks for me to be ready to perform on a Thursday, and because he smells like an old bag of dicks.

"Why must it be 11 weeks Sir Adam?"

Because peasant Pete - LOST's new day is Thursdays. After 3 seasons of it being on Wednesday night, they decided to smack it on a Thursday. So now I'm isolated from society from 8pm-10pm on Thursday's.

"But LOST is a 1 hour show (excluding season finales) why do you need 2 hours of LOST isolation?"

Simple - you see I watch the re-run they air of the prior week's episode BECAUSE they have subtitles on the bottom that sometimes describe certain events in a very detailed style. Thus giving me more clues to the island and it's inhabitants.

Now I must be going because daddy has got quite a bit of stuff to do.

"Wait one last question! Please!"

Ok yes, you in the back with the "I Heart Adam" shirt on.

"Why does Matt Record smell like an old bag of dicks?"

Because my good man. Matt Record is too busy handing out minimal points to me during the show, which cuts his bath time in half. THUS! He smells like an old bag of dicks.

Thank you all and good day.

The Exciting Life of a Long Islander: A Survey

Hello everyone, Mike here.

Like many human beings, I have an account on Myspace.com. I actually have my name affixed to 7 Myspace accounts (bands, projects, failed dreams and aspirations--you know the kind), but that's neither here nor there. Point is, I have at least one, and I have at least one friend (I actually have 1+ friends!)

Myspace.com has this feature where you can see the last 10 or so bulletins posted on your friends' bulletin board. Many times, these are spam, or notifications that "new pics/z" were posted on a friend's page. Some times, these are surveys, which harken back a sense of nostalgia for the 80s, movies, video games, high-school, or your geographic location.

Recently, a friend of mine took one all based on the lovely island that I grew up on: Long Island, New York. I thought I'd share with you my response for some of the questions on the survey, for you see, I take these surveys, yet never post them. I only take them to kill time and amuse myself. But thanks to the TV Without Pictures Blog, I can now potentially amuse others!

The Exciting Life of a Long Islander: A Survey

Do you own any Billy Joel CDs?
No, I do not.

Do you like Billy Joel?
Some of his stuff.

Do you know anyone who went to Chaminade?
I don't even know what it is.

North shore or south shore?
Depends on what I'm going there for. Both have their pros and cons.

Have you ever seen a famous person in the Hamptons?
No.

Are you, your parents, or grandparents originally from the city?
My mom & her side of the family are originally from Brooklyn.

Have you ever "changed at Jamaica?"
Yes. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, what a life. The life...OF A LONG ISLANDER! WE'RE SO QUIRKY!

What is your exit?
YOU ARE REFERRING TO THE EXIT OFF OF THE L.I.E., AREN'T YOU?!? AGAIN WITH THE QUIRKINESS! oh me, oh my. Only us LONG ISLANDERS would understand this! This is where the humor and enjoyment lies in this survey. If I ever move back to Long Island, I'll keep you notified of my nearest exit.

Does the name 'Donna Donna' mean anything to you?
Not at all.

Have you ever seen someone you know on News 12?
No.

Have you ever been to the OBI?
No.

What does DPA stand for?
Deer Park Avenue. THIS IS ANOTHER STATEMENT TO WHICH THE EXPECTED RESPONSE OF THE PEOPLE IN THE GEOGRAPHIC LOCATION OF LONG ISLAND WOULD ALL KNOW, HOWEVER THOSE, FOR ARGUMENT'S SAKE, LIVING IN UTAH, WOULD NOT HAVE THIS SAME RESPONSE!

Admit it - have you ever cruised DPA?
No. Because cars to me are best described by this ascii-inspired diagram:

A ---------------> B

Are you a fan of The Islanders?
No. I am a fan of the LA Kings circa 1993-1995 in the NHL games on Genesis and SNES.

Jones Beach or Robert Moses?
I prefer to go to Robert Moses Beach.

Have you ever driven illegally in the HOV?
No. The HOV lane is for car-poolers and (now) state-certified "Clean Energy Vehicles" from 6am-10am & 3pm-8pm on Monday-Friday. Any other time it's aces to go in alone.

What does L.I.E. stand for?
Long Island Expressway. WERE YOU WAITING FOR A SATIRICAL RESPONSE? US LONG ISLANDERS ARE OFTEN AGGRAVATED BY THE L.I.E. DUE TO THE TRAFFIC!

Have you ever worked at King Kullen?
I have never worked at a supermarket.

Waldbaum's?
I have never worked at a supermarket.

Where do you get your pizza?
DUE TO THE LARGE AMOUNT OF ITALIAN IMMIGRATION INTO LONG ISLAND, WE, LIKE ALL THE BOROUGHS OF NEW YORK CITY, HAVE A LARGE NUMBER OF PLACES FROM WHICH WE CAN PURCHASE PIZZA!! I got mine from Zino's in the Gateway Shopping Center.

Remember Bill Baird?
No.

Admit it - you listen to WBLI?
I do not listen to the radio.

Do you know the WALK jingle?
I do not listen to the radio.

How many 7-11s are there within a 1 mile radius from you?
1 mile? none. HOWEVER THIS STATEMENT UTILIZES THE LARGE NUMBER OF 7-11s ON LONG ISLAND FOR COMEDIC EFFECT! Within about a 3 mile radius there are approximately 5.

Do you stop at "sevs" every morning before work/school?
"SEVS" IS A COMMON NICKNAME FOR 7-11! No, I do not.

Have you ever gone sledding in the sump?
No. I went sledding on nearby "hills," which isn't saying much about their incline given that LONG ISLAND WAS FORMED FROM THE DEBRIS AND WASTE OF TWO SEPARATE GLACIERS AND THEREFORE DOES NOT HAVE HILLY TERRAIN!

Do you ever go "downport"?
I honestly don't know what this means.

Have you and your friends ever gone looking for Mary's Grave?
My friends have. I am not interested in partaking in events which are intended to scare me, since I am not a fan of an increased and unstable heart-rate coupled with feelings of fear and anxiety.

Do you have a favorite beach?
As previously stated, I prefer Robert Moses beach. I especially prefer Robert Moses Beach to the man himself, who was noted for being racist and classist.

Ever been to King's Park Asylum?
No, for the same reason I have never tried to find "Mary's Grave."

Is there a deli or a bagel shop within 1 mile from your house?
THIS IS ANOTHER QUESTION WHICH REQUIRES AN INTIMATE KNOWLEDGE OF LONG ISLAND! FOR, YOU SEE, THERE IS A MULTITUDE OF BOTH DELIs AND BAGEL STORES ON LONG ISLAND! There are 3 delis and 2 bagel stores within 1 mile of my old house.

Do you think upstate New York isn’t really New York?
MANY PEOPLE FROM THE BRONX TO MONTAUK DO NOT CONSIDER UPSTATE NEW YORK "NEW YORK" DUE TO THE IMMENSE DIFFERENCE IN LIFESTYLE AND CULTURE! I consider it "Upstate New York." When I say "New York," I'm referring to either the state which I live in, or the 5 boroughs which make up New York City.

Do you know where every diner within a half-hour drive is?
THERE ARE MANY DINERS ON LONG ISLAND! ALSO, LONG-ISLANDERS ARE KNOWN FOR MEASURING DISTANCE WITH TIME, SUCH AS IN THE CASE OF THIS QUESTION. IN MANY OTHER AREAS OF THE COUNTRY AND THE WORLD, DISTANCE ISN'T MEASURED IN THE AVERAGE TIME IT WOULD TAKE SOMEONE TO DRIVE THERE, BUT RATHER IN MILES OR KILOMETERS! And I think I know about 87% of the Diners in a half-hour drive from my old house. I may know them all, but I'm accounting for some in areas I wouldn't particularly wish to venture in for a diner.

Have you ever gotten drunk on the beach at night?
No.

Have you ever gotten drunk on the L.I.R.R.?
MANY LONG ISLANDERS DRINK ON THE RAILROAD WHILE THEY ARE TRAVELING! No.

Have you ever stayed at the Commack Motor Inn?
THE COMMACK MOTOR INN IS NOTORIOUS FOR BEING A PLACE WHERE PROSTITUTES, WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE EMPLOYED BY THE OWNERS OF THE INN, FREQUENTLY DO BUSINESS! I've been kicked out of the parking lot while trying to walk through it since a friend lived nearby.

Ever seen a show at Theatre Three?
No, nor do I know what it is.

Have you ever wondered where Theatres 1 and 2 are?
Since I am unfamiliar with "Theatre Three," this has never been a concern of mine.

Name 3 famous people from Long Island.
Chuck D, Billy Joel, and Ken Marino.

K-Rock or Z100?
I do not listen to the radio.

Have you ever seen a show on Broadway?
Yes. However, I do not like plays or musicals.


Wow, what a time we shared! I feel everyone knows a bit more about me, and a whole lot more about Long Island. Keep on rockin' out there, wherever you are!

The 5 Coolest Jobs That Don't Exist Anymore

Work sucks. You know, I know it, it's practically a fact of life that if you want to make money, you must endure hours of boredom and pain. But for all their impracticality, implausibility, and possibly completely fictitious nature, there were some ass-kicking jobs out there at one point that you and I wouldn't mind having. This is a reflection on some of the best careers that have been cast aside by the annuls of time; where they came from, what they meant to us, and what happened to them.

5. Badass Hero-Scientist (1950's)

Who?: Just go to the science fiction section of your local video store, pick out anything with "Attack of...", "The Giant...", or "Invasion of..." in the title, and watch it. He's the one kicking all the ass and getting all the ladies.

Replaced by: Either the sniveling, cowardly, evil, "sell everyone up the river for fame and recognition" scientist, or the sniveling, annoying "you can't destroy it, it's just misunderstood!" peace-loving hippie scientist.

Exception That Proves the Rule: Billy Cranston, the Blue Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger.

The Case For: Back in a time when men were men, women were still dames and broads, smoking was considered good for you, and commies were everywhere, there existed a class of man manlier than most, who dedicated themselves to making sure we stayed one step ahead of the red menace no matter what. Often times this meant creating hideous monstrosities, accidentally summoning aliens to invade us, or getting sent back in time to the age of the dinosaurs. While scientists today still play god just as much, often to similar results, scientists of the 50's weren't afraid to throw-down with whatever science-hath-wrought in the blink of an eye. Screw all that touchy feely "but it's still a living thing!" bullshit and "butterfly effect" nonsense; if a scientist back then created a hideous giant mutant spider, the second it got out of line he was the first one making it eat wooden chair, if he suddenly found himself in the prehistoric age, the only thing he's caring about is that the right hook he just gave that Stegosaurus taught it to think twice before messing with America. These guys did not fuck around. They smoked on the job, they drank on the job, and they were not one bit afraid to roll up their sleeves and go WWE on your mutant-hellbeast ass the second you spewed your "Ragh! I'm a monster!" un-American sass.

So Why Don't They Exist Anymore?: As science became more and more advanced, it also became more and more time consuming and more and more soul destroying to learn. As a result any man, no matter how rough and rugged, square jawed, and charismatic, is reduced to a frail, wimpy, overweight/underweight pasty recluse by the time they receive their PHD. This is an oversight that will eventually cost us when, in the coming invasion, we look to our scientists for guidance, and the best among are only able to say "Maybe they just want to be friends" instead of "Let's see how the little green man likes my red, white, and blue boot up his ass."

4. Ninja Consultant (The way of the ninja is timeless)

Who?: Sixshot (...and he was a robot, too!)

Replaced by: Financial Consultant, and other breeds of the genus Consulti.

The Case For: Say you've got a problem. You exhausted all your normal resources, thought of every foreseeable solution, and asked every person you know for sage advice and still, your problem just can't be fixed. What you need is a refreshing spin on things.

... a refreshing ninja spin.

That's where the ninja consultant comes in. For a nominal fee, he'll impart to you the answers to any and all of life's problems as only the orient's top masters of assassinry can provide. I mean, they're so dark and mysterious, they must have a new and totally different viewpoint on pretty much everything, right?

So Why Don't They Exist Anymore?: ... then again, unless you're problems involve "storming the daimyo's castle", a ninja probably isn't much help. I could be wrong, but I don't think that questions like "How do I save on car insurance?" or "How do I reduce stress at the workplace while maximizing my output?" can adequately be solved by poisoning your enemy's drinking water or lobbing a poison-tipped kunai at their face. The ninja's insistence on poison as an answer brings me to my next point: If you're hiring a ninja for anything, why not hire him for what you know he's good at like, oh, I don't know.. Killing a fuck-ton of people? It just seems like such a waste of resources to ask for stock market advice from the guy, and there's always the risk he'll poison you too, just for the hell of it. Ninjas, Always with the poison....


3. Indian Tracker (1970's-1980's)

Who?: Spirit, Billy

Replaced by: GPS Tracker

How to Identify: Look at the line-up of any given military unit in uniform. He's the one in face paint and a loincloth with a bear-skin cloak and a bow and arrow, looking like he just doesn't give a fuck.

The Case For: Back before Arnold was the ultimate killing machine, these guys were. I don't know about you, but if I'm stranded in the wilderness with the enemy on all sides, I want the bat-shit crazy guy killing everyone with only a knife, bow and arrow, and command over the entire animal kingdom on my side.

So Why Don't They Exist Anymore? There's a few reasons I can see for his one. For starters, yea, it's pretty impressive that he just killed an entire battalion of guys armed with assault rifles using just his bow, but now you have to wait for him to go pick up all the arrows. Talk about time consuming. Just use a gun already, man.

Second, in the increasingly urban landscape of the battlefield, there's a decreasing amount of animals for these guys to call on for help. Let's face it, a pigeon isn't going to give much insight into anything that isn't being scared or shitting on something. The best you could hope for is "The sewer crocodile warns of ill-portent up ahead".

But probably the most important reason is that when you're overseas at a bar loosening up and getting some ass, the last thing you want to be doing is explaining to a prospective date who the serious looking half-naked guy sitting in the corner is, and why he's talking to the bar keep's dog instead of socializing.

2. Zubaz Designers (Early 1990's)

Who?: Apparently some bodybuilder guys, who cares.

Replaced by: Unfortunately acid-wash denim and flannel, oh god, so much flannel...

The Case For: For those of you who don't know, back in the late 80's/early 90's, fashion culture took a weird turn where looking good was inversely related to being found attractive by the opposite sex. From this period, the biggest abomination was probably Zubaz, a line of annoyingly bright and gaudy pants tailored towards athletes. Zubaz were the great equalizer. No one could escape looking like an awesome dude(complete jackass) in them, regardless of wealth or social status. As a result, anyone wearing zubaz was guaranteed ass just as much as anyone else, and I can only conclude thereby that the people who designed these wonderfully bad, ass-getting contraptions were guaranteed just as much if not more ass as a result. Not to mention they were shit-easy to design. Here's an excerpt from the operational manual they gave out to new Zubaz designers that breaks down the process for you:

1. Sit at your desk with a pencil, piece of paper, and pack of neon hi-liters.

2. Draw an outline of a pair of pants on the paper, and get those hi-liters ready!

3. Do your body weight in cocaine.

4. Quickly now, take those hi-liters and color in those pants with whatever you're seeing. Don't worry about staying inside the lines either, this is fashion, think outside the box!

5. Congratulations! You've just designed the new summer line up of Zubaz! We'll have your check sent to the detox unit, see you in a week!

So in conclusion, you got to A.) Make tons of money for doing something that doesn't require any talent, while B.) Sleeping with gorgeous women, and C.) Making the entire world look stupid. Where's the downside here?

So Why Don't They Exist Anymore?: Like Jesus dying for our sins, the Zubaz had to die because we're not completely functionally retarded yet, and eventually came to our senses, ending the greatest fashion paradox in history. If I only I wasn't just 5 at the time, I'd be rolling in so much dough right now.

1.) Dino-Riders (1990's)

Who? These awesome dudes.

Replaced by: Ruff Ryders

The Case For: Ask anyone on the face of the Earth what they would rather be doing with their life, and you'll probably get a lot of varied answers. Ask them "how about riding around on the backs of dinosaurs armed to the teeth with guns and missiles?", and you will almost invariably get a "Fuck. Yes.". To my mind at least, you don't need much more to life beyond cruising through the countryside on a T-rex equipped with hellfires. Being a Dino-rider is having the greatest job. It is having your cake and eating it too, while fucking the prom queen, and scoring the winning touch down, all wrapped into several tons of bullets and scales.

So Why Don't They Exist Anymore?: Apart from the small oversight of dinosaurs being dead for millions of year there really isn't any good reason. I mean sure, they're bound to eat a few people like in that movie Jurassic Park, but on the flip-side, once they're tame, you're riding a fucking dinosaur. How cool is that shit?

But Wait, What's This?: Rumors have been circulating that a similar idea is being pitched as the concept for Jurassic Park 4. This means two things: One, people in Hollywood are completely fucking insane, and Two, we're going to get the most awesomely bad movie ever made. We're talking Snakes on a Plane turned to 11. Will it really be bad? Oh, you bet your ass. But it should at least be worth it to see Sam Neill spewing white hot raptor-death across the silver screen.

... and if this were still the early 90's, I would have just made a ton of money selling "Bullets and Scales" and "White Hot Raptor-Death" off as song ideas to Guns 'N' Roses, enough money in fact, to ensure me a life's supply of Zubaz.

TV Without Pictures - Episode 2 - 10/6/2007

Hey everyone,

Sorry we're a few days late but here's episode #2.

This episode was a lot of fun but might qualify as a small disaster since there was so much editing involved; primarily because of someone who shall remain nameless (hint: his name rhymes with Schadam Lancuso.)

Here's the link - Right click save as. Or an always you can subscribe to our podcast by searching "TV Without Pictures" in the iTunes music store, feedburner or any other RSS feed:

10/6/2007 - Episode 2

Show Notes -

Show Open - "Haiku"

Opening Theme - the pillows - Beautiful Morning with You

Question 1 - Best Minority

Question 2 - Who had the best prison camps in history and why?

Question 3 - A senator is suing God, if you were God, what would your defense be?

Question 4 - Who would win in a fight - Janet Reno or two armor-played siamese hippopotamuses attached at the ass

Break One –

Into the Break - The Field – Good Things End

Out of the Break - Broken Social Scene – 7/4 (Shoreline)

Question 5 - Top 3 - Mongolian Cities

Question 6 - A Pennsylvania man set a record by skipping a stone 51 times - What other human achievement would you compare this to in terms of importance?

Question 7- What city should host the next olympics and who should light the torch?

Break Two-

Into the Break – Minus the Bear - The Pig War

Out of the Break- The Cat Empire - The Lost Song

Question 8 - What's the difference between a novel and a book?

Question 9 - If you were God - in what way would you arrange the earth's landmasses differently and why?

Question 10- Fuck, Marry, Kill (fuck one, kill one, marry one) - Benjamin Disraeli, Mother Theresa, Clark Gable, and why?

Show Closing – J Dilla - Mash

Columbus, you Rascal!

Hey, everyone. Welcome to a special Columbus Day installment of TV Without Pictures.

Side-note: As a word-nerd, I am unsure whether or not I should be calling this blog post "TV Without Pictures." The title's denotation to me refers to the podcast, and this here ain't no podcast. So, let this be a lesson to you: language is always changing. Why, just two weeks ago, calling a blog post "TV Without Pictures" would be as absurd as saying "My house is being painted" was in the 18th Century (they said "My house is painting," and found our current phrasing to be illogical and horribly wrong!). But now, I can safely call this "TV Without Pictures." What's next? I say, calling our children and our religion "TV Without Pictures."

What kind of podcast would this be if we didn't lean towards world domination?

Anyways, back to the point: it's Columbus Day!

For those of you who don't know, Columbus Day is the semi-controversial holiday observed in the Americas and Spain on the second Monday in October (that's the USA's tradition, anyway. The official date of Columbus's arrival was October 12). For the purpose of creating uniform answers, and because I lives here, I does, I will be writing about this Holiday from a "USA viewpoint."

So, what does Columbus Day mean to you if you reside in these United States o' America? Well, it means you may get off work! Certain businesses close down in observance of this jolly occasion. What else does it mean? Well, like most any day in which a vast number of citizens will be available to "shoppe 'till ye dropp," it means COLUMBUS DAY SAVINGS!!!!

That's right! Businesses large and small utilize this day as one which they can "slash prices." But why, you ask? Well, there are two theories:

One relates to a statement I made previously. This theory suggests that due to the large number of people who do not have work today in observance of the nationally declared holiday, stores know that by having sales, they can get more people into their store to shop. More people shopping means more profit gained, even taking into account the "MAJOR DISCOUNTS!!!!" they may offer.

This theory, while seemingly logical, has a major flaw: historical accuracy. When Columbus stumbled upon the Americas and then took credit for it, like a pubescent boy finding his father's Playboy collection and proudly showcasing it to his friends, he did not shop 'till he dropped in what is now the Bahamas; instead, he observed the island's natural inhabitants--writing in his journal: "It appears to me, that the people are ingenious, and would be good servants and I am of opinion that they would very readily become Christians, as they appear to have no religion." Then, two days later, this loving guy ready to enslave the innocent wrote "I could conquer the whole of them with 50 men, and govern them as I pleased."

And isn't this our current attitude on savings? I know I'm ready to "conquer" a retail store with my coupons and "govern" my new toaster "as I pleased."

So why is it that people are opposed to this happy ol' holiday? "Is it because the 1421 hypothesis, if accurate, would prove that Columbus didn't do anything that China hadn't already done years earlier?"

No! But, ummmm, that's a good point.

Wikipedia's article on Columbus Day (which is not yet locked for editing, so by the time you check, it may just contain the word "PENIS" in size 72 font) gives us a little glimpse as to why some people think this holiday ain't all that good:

Opposition to the holiday cites the fact that Columbus and many of the conquistador followers treated the American Indians with great cruelty. Columbus directly brought about the demise of many Taino (Arawak) Indians on the island of Hispaniola, and the arrival of the Europeans indirectly slew many indigenous peoples by bringing diseases previously unknown in the New World.

Great cruelty? From the man who wrote in his journal that the indigenous peoples of the Bahamas would make "good servants," and that he could "conquer the whole of them with 50 men, and govern them as [he] pleased"?!? Well, I never!

And as for that disease remark, well, isn't giving what this day is all about? Why, I'm sure that if you asked a survivor at the time, he or she would say

The disease upon this blanket may have wiped out my entire family, but the savings sure wiped away my frown!

At least that's what my American History textbook from grade school would like me to believe.

So, in the end we have gone full circle, much like the explorer for whom the day is named, and arrived back where we started: nothing can be certain. And, of course, despite the semi-sarcastic and (potentially) humorous tone which I have taken for this article, I fully accept both sides of the argument about today. So, given that this article is all in the name of fun, you may celebrate, or protest this day as much as you may like--I support ye. Although, if you do the latter, you may get cuffed.

Also, I understand that I didn't really discuss TV Without Pictures, the podcast. So, I'll do that now: today episode 2 goes up! Ready yourself to acquire so much funny that the government may audit you based on where and how you got it all.

And you can tell 'em right here: www.tvwithoutpictures.com

TV Without Pictures - Episode 1 9/22/2007

Here's the link and RSS feed for our first episode of TV Without Pictures which was originally posted our myspace:

TV Without Pictures - Episode 1

Make sure to check in tomorrow when we post episode number 2.