The 5 Coolest Jobs That Don't Exist Anymore

Work sucks. You know, I know it, it's practically a fact of life that if you want to make money, you must endure hours of boredom and pain. But for all their impracticality, implausibility, and possibly completely fictitious nature, there were some ass-kicking jobs out there at one point that you and I wouldn't mind having. This is a reflection on some of the best careers that have been cast aside by the annuls of time; where they came from, what they meant to us, and what happened to them.

5. Badass Hero-Scientist (1950's)

Who?: Just go to the science fiction section of your local video store, pick out anything with "Attack of...", "The Giant...", or "Invasion of..." in the title, and watch it. He's the one kicking all the ass and getting all the ladies.

Replaced by: Either the sniveling, cowardly, evil, "sell everyone up the river for fame and recognition" scientist, or the sniveling, annoying "you can't destroy it, it's just misunderstood!" peace-loving hippie scientist.

Exception That Proves the Rule: Billy Cranston, the Blue Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger.

The Case For: Back in a time when men were men, women were still dames and broads, smoking was considered good for you, and commies were everywhere, there existed a class of man manlier than most, who dedicated themselves to making sure we stayed one step ahead of the red menace no matter what. Often times this meant creating hideous monstrosities, accidentally summoning aliens to invade us, or getting sent back in time to the age of the dinosaurs. While scientists today still play god just as much, often to similar results, scientists of the 50's weren't afraid to throw-down with whatever science-hath-wrought in the blink of an eye. Screw all that touchy feely "but it's still a living thing!" bullshit and "butterfly effect" nonsense; if a scientist back then created a hideous giant mutant spider, the second it got out of line he was the first one making it eat wooden chair, if he suddenly found himself in the prehistoric age, the only thing he's caring about is that the right hook he just gave that Stegosaurus taught it to think twice before messing with America. These guys did not fuck around. They smoked on the job, they drank on the job, and they were not one bit afraid to roll up their sleeves and go WWE on your mutant-hellbeast ass the second you spewed your "Ragh! I'm a monster!" un-American sass.

So Why Don't They Exist Anymore?: As science became more and more advanced, it also became more and more time consuming and more and more soul destroying to learn. As a result any man, no matter how rough and rugged, square jawed, and charismatic, is reduced to a frail, wimpy, overweight/underweight pasty recluse by the time they receive their PHD. This is an oversight that will eventually cost us when, in the coming invasion, we look to our scientists for guidance, and the best among are only able to say "Maybe they just want to be friends" instead of "Let's see how the little green man likes my red, white, and blue boot up his ass."

4. Ninja Consultant (The way of the ninja is timeless)

Who?: Sixshot (...and he was a robot, too!)

Replaced by: Financial Consultant, and other breeds of the genus Consulti.

The Case For: Say you've got a problem. You exhausted all your normal resources, thought of every foreseeable solution, and asked every person you know for sage advice and still, your problem just can't be fixed. What you need is a refreshing spin on things.

... a refreshing ninja spin.

That's where the ninja consultant comes in. For a nominal fee, he'll impart to you the answers to any and all of life's problems as only the orient's top masters of assassinry can provide. I mean, they're so dark and mysterious, they must have a new and totally different viewpoint on pretty much everything, right?

So Why Don't They Exist Anymore?: ... then again, unless you're problems involve "storming the daimyo's castle", a ninja probably isn't much help. I could be wrong, but I don't think that questions like "How do I save on car insurance?" or "How do I reduce stress at the workplace while maximizing my output?" can adequately be solved by poisoning your enemy's drinking water or lobbing a poison-tipped kunai at their face. The ninja's insistence on poison as an answer brings me to my next point: If you're hiring a ninja for anything, why not hire him for what you know he's good at like, oh, I don't know.. Killing a fuck-ton of people? It just seems like such a waste of resources to ask for stock market advice from the guy, and there's always the risk he'll poison you too, just for the hell of it. Ninjas, Always with the poison....


3. Indian Tracker (1970's-1980's)

Who?: Spirit, Billy

Replaced by: GPS Tracker

How to Identify: Look at the line-up of any given military unit in uniform. He's the one in face paint and a loincloth with a bear-skin cloak and a bow and arrow, looking like he just doesn't give a fuck.

The Case For: Back before Arnold was the ultimate killing machine, these guys were. I don't know about you, but if I'm stranded in the wilderness with the enemy on all sides, I want the bat-shit crazy guy killing everyone with only a knife, bow and arrow, and command over the entire animal kingdom on my side.

So Why Don't They Exist Anymore? There's a few reasons I can see for his one. For starters, yea, it's pretty impressive that he just killed an entire battalion of guys armed with assault rifles using just his bow, but now you have to wait for him to go pick up all the arrows. Talk about time consuming. Just use a gun already, man.

Second, in the increasingly urban landscape of the battlefield, there's a decreasing amount of animals for these guys to call on for help. Let's face it, a pigeon isn't going to give much insight into anything that isn't being scared or shitting on something. The best you could hope for is "The sewer crocodile warns of ill-portent up ahead".

But probably the most important reason is that when you're overseas at a bar loosening up and getting some ass, the last thing you want to be doing is explaining to a prospective date who the serious looking half-naked guy sitting in the corner is, and why he's talking to the bar keep's dog instead of socializing.

2. Zubaz Designers (Early 1990's)

Who?: Apparently some bodybuilder guys, who cares.

Replaced by: Unfortunately acid-wash denim and flannel, oh god, so much flannel...

The Case For: For those of you who don't know, back in the late 80's/early 90's, fashion culture took a weird turn where looking good was inversely related to being found attractive by the opposite sex. From this period, the biggest abomination was probably Zubaz, a line of annoyingly bright and gaudy pants tailored towards athletes. Zubaz were the great equalizer. No one could escape looking like an awesome dude(complete jackass) in them, regardless of wealth or social status. As a result, anyone wearing zubaz was guaranteed ass just as much as anyone else, and I can only conclude thereby that the people who designed these wonderfully bad, ass-getting contraptions were guaranteed just as much if not more ass as a result. Not to mention they were shit-easy to design. Here's an excerpt from the operational manual they gave out to new Zubaz designers that breaks down the process for you:

1. Sit at your desk with a pencil, piece of paper, and pack of neon hi-liters.

2. Draw an outline of a pair of pants on the paper, and get those hi-liters ready!

3. Do your body weight in cocaine.

4. Quickly now, take those hi-liters and color in those pants with whatever you're seeing. Don't worry about staying inside the lines either, this is fashion, think outside the box!

5. Congratulations! You've just designed the new summer line up of Zubaz! We'll have your check sent to the detox unit, see you in a week!

So in conclusion, you got to A.) Make tons of money for doing something that doesn't require any talent, while B.) Sleeping with gorgeous women, and C.) Making the entire world look stupid. Where's the downside here?

So Why Don't They Exist Anymore?: Like Jesus dying for our sins, the Zubaz had to die because we're not completely functionally retarded yet, and eventually came to our senses, ending the greatest fashion paradox in history. If I only I wasn't just 5 at the time, I'd be rolling in so much dough right now.

1.) Dino-Riders (1990's)

Who? These awesome dudes.

Replaced by: Ruff Ryders

The Case For: Ask anyone on the face of the Earth what they would rather be doing with their life, and you'll probably get a lot of varied answers. Ask them "how about riding around on the backs of dinosaurs armed to the teeth with guns and missiles?", and you will almost invariably get a "Fuck. Yes.". To my mind at least, you don't need much more to life beyond cruising through the countryside on a T-rex equipped with hellfires. Being a Dino-rider is having the greatest job. It is having your cake and eating it too, while fucking the prom queen, and scoring the winning touch down, all wrapped into several tons of bullets and scales.

So Why Don't They Exist Anymore?: Apart from the small oversight of dinosaurs being dead for millions of year there really isn't any good reason. I mean sure, they're bound to eat a few people like in that movie Jurassic Park, but on the flip-side, once they're tame, you're riding a fucking dinosaur. How cool is that shit?

But Wait, What's This?: Rumors have been circulating that a similar idea is being pitched as the concept for Jurassic Park 4. This means two things: One, people in Hollywood are completely fucking insane, and Two, we're going to get the most awesomely bad movie ever made. We're talking Snakes on a Plane turned to 11. Will it really be bad? Oh, you bet your ass. But it should at least be worth it to see Sam Neill spewing white hot raptor-death across the silver screen.

... and if this were still the early 90's, I would have just made a ton of money selling "Bullets and Scales" and "White Hot Raptor-Death" off as song ideas to Guns 'N' Roses, enough money in fact, to ensure me a life's supply of Zubaz.

TV Without Pictures - Episode 2 - 10/6/2007

Hey everyone,

Sorry we're a few days late but here's episode #2.

This episode was a lot of fun but might qualify as a small disaster since there was so much editing involved; primarily because of someone who shall remain nameless (hint: his name rhymes with Schadam Lancuso.)

Here's the link - Right click save as. Or an always you can subscribe to our podcast by searching "TV Without Pictures" in the iTunes music store, feedburner or any other RSS feed:

10/6/2007 - Episode 2

Show Notes -

Show Open - "Haiku"

Opening Theme - the pillows - Beautiful Morning with You

Question 1 - Best Minority

Question 2 - Who had the best prison camps in history and why?

Question 3 - A senator is suing God, if you were God, what would your defense be?

Question 4 - Who would win in a fight - Janet Reno or two armor-played siamese hippopotamuses attached at the ass

Break One –

Into the Break - The Field – Good Things End

Out of the Break - Broken Social Scene – 7/4 (Shoreline)

Question 5 - Top 3 - Mongolian Cities

Question 6 - A Pennsylvania man set a record by skipping a stone 51 times - What other human achievement would you compare this to in terms of importance?

Question 7- What city should host the next olympics and who should light the torch?

Break Two-

Into the Break – Minus the Bear - The Pig War

Out of the Break- The Cat Empire - The Lost Song

Question 8 - What's the difference between a novel and a book?

Question 9 - If you were God - in what way would you arrange the earth's landmasses differently and why?

Question 10- Fuck, Marry, Kill (fuck one, kill one, marry one) - Benjamin Disraeli, Mother Theresa, Clark Gable, and why?

Show Closing – J Dilla - Mash

Columbus, you Rascal!

Hey, everyone. Welcome to a special Columbus Day installment of TV Without Pictures.

Side-note: As a word-nerd, I am unsure whether or not I should be calling this blog post "TV Without Pictures." The title's denotation to me refers to the podcast, and this here ain't no podcast. So, let this be a lesson to you: language is always changing. Why, just two weeks ago, calling a blog post "TV Without Pictures" would be as absurd as saying "My house is being painted" was in the 18th Century (they said "My house is painting," and found our current phrasing to be illogical and horribly wrong!). But now, I can safely call this "TV Without Pictures." What's next? I say, calling our children and our religion "TV Without Pictures."

What kind of podcast would this be if we didn't lean towards world domination?

Anyways, back to the point: it's Columbus Day!

For those of you who don't know, Columbus Day is the semi-controversial holiday observed in the Americas and Spain on the second Monday in October (that's the USA's tradition, anyway. The official date of Columbus's arrival was October 12). For the purpose of creating uniform answers, and because I lives here, I does, I will be writing about this Holiday from a "USA viewpoint."

So, what does Columbus Day mean to you if you reside in these United States o' America? Well, it means you may get off work! Certain businesses close down in observance of this jolly occasion. What else does it mean? Well, like most any day in which a vast number of citizens will be available to "shoppe 'till ye dropp," it means COLUMBUS DAY SAVINGS!!!!

That's right! Businesses large and small utilize this day as one which they can "slash prices." But why, you ask? Well, there are two theories:

One relates to a statement I made previously. This theory suggests that due to the large number of people who do not have work today in observance of the nationally declared holiday, stores know that by having sales, they can get more people into their store to shop. More people shopping means more profit gained, even taking into account the "MAJOR DISCOUNTS!!!!" they may offer.

This theory, while seemingly logical, has a major flaw: historical accuracy. When Columbus stumbled upon the Americas and then took credit for it, like a pubescent boy finding his father's Playboy collection and proudly showcasing it to his friends, he did not shop 'till he dropped in what is now the Bahamas; instead, he observed the island's natural inhabitants--writing in his journal: "It appears to me, that the people are ingenious, and would be good servants and I am of opinion that they would very readily become Christians, as they appear to have no religion." Then, two days later, this loving guy ready to enslave the innocent wrote "I could conquer the whole of them with 50 men, and govern them as I pleased."

And isn't this our current attitude on savings? I know I'm ready to "conquer" a retail store with my coupons and "govern" my new toaster "as I pleased."

So why is it that people are opposed to this happy ol' holiday? "Is it because the 1421 hypothesis, if accurate, would prove that Columbus didn't do anything that China hadn't already done years earlier?"

No! But, ummmm, that's a good point.

Wikipedia's article on Columbus Day (which is not yet locked for editing, so by the time you check, it may just contain the word "PENIS" in size 72 font) gives us a little glimpse as to why some people think this holiday ain't all that good:

Opposition to the holiday cites the fact that Columbus and many of the conquistador followers treated the American Indians with great cruelty. Columbus directly brought about the demise of many Taino (Arawak) Indians on the island of Hispaniola, and the arrival of the Europeans indirectly slew many indigenous peoples by bringing diseases previously unknown in the New World.

Great cruelty? From the man who wrote in his journal that the indigenous peoples of the Bahamas would make "good servants," and that he could "conquer the whole of them with 50 men, and govern them as [he] pleased"?!? Well, I never!

And as for that disease remark, well, isn't giving what this day is all about? Why, I'm sure that if you asked a survivor at the time, he or she would say

The disease upon this blanket may have wiped out my entire family, but the savings sure wiped away my frown!

At least that's what my American History textbook from grade school would like me to believe.

So, in the end we have gone full circle, much like the explorer for whom the day is named, and arrived back where we started: nothing can be certain. And, of course, despite the semi-sarcastic and (potentially) humorous tone which I have taken for this article, I fully accept both sides of the argument about today. So, given that this article is all in the name of fun, you may celebrate, or protest this day as much as you may like--I support ye. Although, if you do the latter, you may get cuffed.

Also, I understand that I didn't really discuss TV Without Pictures, the podcast. So, I'll do that now: today episode 2 goes up! Ready yourself to acquire so much funny that the government may audit you based on where and how you got it all.

And you can tell 'em right here: www.tvwithoutpictures.com

TV Without Pictures - Episode 1 9/22/2007

Here's the link and RSS feed for our first episode of TV Without Pictures which was originally posted our myspace:

TV Without Pictures - Episode 1

Make sure to check in tomorrow when we post episode number 2.

Why Howard Stern Isn't Funny

A discussion of humor in many, many parts.

I understand a lot of people don’t listen to our radio show TV Without Pictures yet, or really know what it is since it’s so new. But, we have a blog here, damnit, and we may as well use it for the same kind of navel-gazing everyone else does and talk about ourselves. Otherwise, wouldn’t we be letting down Time Magazine and all the other old-style press who have spent the last 18 months patting our heads and congratulating us for creating and then consuming our own media content in a masturbatory Ouroboros of otters holding hands and LonelyGirl15 doing whatever it is she… does… I don’t know, I can’t make it through a whole one of those videos.

Anyway, what TV Without Pictures is, basically, me with my friends trying to make each other laugh. That’s not new, but I’d like to think we have two things going in our favor that makes us more enjoyable than the average radio show – 1) Our format – I write questions before the show and send them out to my friends, who , on the show are referred to as panelists. They answer the questions in any way they see fit and try to make me, and each other, laugh. There’s a competition aspect to the show, in that I award points based on how funny I find the answers in a manner similar to Who’s Line Is It Anyway, except that while I can be arbitrary or fickle in my rulings, I try to make the points matter at least a little.

The other thing I think we have going for us is – 2) Our humor – which is the focus of what I’m writing about today.

A lot of people don’t put a lot of thought into it, but there are lots of different kinds of humor – things are not simply funny for the same reason. Dane Cook is not funny for the same reasons that Bob Odenkirk is funny (or not funny at all depending on who you ask). Everybody Loves Raymond is not funny in the way that The Colbert Report is funny. Also, and this is the most important one for my purposes – Howard Stern, the standard-bearer for all that is radio, is not funny – IN ANY WAY – like we on TV Without Pictures is funny.

I’m adamant about that point because of an incident that occurred on the original TV Without Pictures back at my college. One of the questions on the show was “Who would win in a fight – Hitler or Stalin?”

Essentially, the funnier answers to this question came from my friends comparing which despotic dictator was a better or more efficient mass murderer. While Stalin killed far more of his own countrymen, Hitler got a lot done quicker, etc.
After the show, the board member from the station, another student, took me aside and explained while he understood I was going for the whole “shock-jock” thing, I should tone it down lest I offend someone.

Ironically enough, I was actually offended at his insinuation because I felt that it was so obvious that that was not what we were going for. “Who would win a fight” questions especially in the my-dad-can-beat-up-your-dad-sense or the bar fight don’t-look-at-my-girl sense are at their essence, all about machismo, demonstrating strength and flexing nuts. Say, Stalin and Hitler are half drunk and belligerent in a bar, one-upping each other about how strong or accomplished they are; invariably it’s going to descend into, “well, I killed more than you, so nyah!”

Juxtaposing, the already ridiculous prospect of proving your manhood in a fight, which is inherently ludicrous and unimportant, with the ultra ridiculous concept of the mass-murdering dictator, which is inherently far-reaching with massively important consequences is – well – funny.

It’s not funny because “Oh, lots of Jews died, and that’s funny because human suffering in and of itself is shocking and har har har, I just like to piss people off.” It’s funny because you’re imagining two of the most powerful men in the history of the earth basically comparing dick size because no matter how many people we force our will onto, we’re still idiotic tough guys trying to prove to every girl in the bar that we’re the king of the mountain.

It’s the absurdity that’s the funny. The shock is only visceral and fleeting, and you only get so many of those before it gets boring. It has to be actually funny, as well. And that’s what I want TV Without Pictures to be – the finest in absurdist and surrealist comedy for the nerd inside all of us.

Check back on Monday the 8th, when episode 2 goes up to see how we did. And check back for more of me talking about what we’ve done wrong and what I’m doing to fix it.

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